Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Wooden House - By Tessa
As I approach the rusty gates they screeches open in front of me. I peek in and see the cracked moldy gravestones. As I step on the dark green undergrowth the mist swallows my feet and I run to the fractured wooden steps . I run toward the house. I can hear my heart beating over the sound of the wind screaming through the surrounding trees. The moon hovers over the old, unpleasant, scary place as I step on the wooden steps they feel as they moving under my feet pulling me away. I force my hand and I hold the cold door handle my hands are shaking as I open the door. Fear floods through my face.
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7 comments:
I like your title. It straight away gives the reader a picture in their mind.
This is cool – ‘I can hear my heart beating over the sound of the wind screaming through the surrounding trees.’ It really tells how you are feeling in one sentence.
I really like the description ‘Fear floods through my face’ it really shows how the character is feeling. I also like the description ‘I can hear my heart beating over the sound of the wind screaming through the surrounding trees.’ it really helps the reader picture the scene.
From Thomas
Nice work Tess! I love your use of describing like ‘cracked moldy gravestones’ and fractured wooden steps! Very freaky. It really scared Verity when she read it. lol. When you wrote ‘As I step on the dark green undergrowth the mist swallows my feet’ I could really picture the dark green undergrowth clambering up your feet. What a magnificent picture in my mind! You also really set the scene well. ‘The moon hovers over the old, unpleasant, scary place’ is an awesome metaphor Tessa.
An astonishing piece of writing.
Love Maddy & Verity
As I approach the rusty gates they screeches open in front of me. I peek in and see the cracked moldy gravestones. As I step on the dark green undergrowth the mist swallows my feet and I run to the fractured wooden steps . I run toward the house. I can hear my heart beating over the sound of the wind screaming through the surrounding trees. The moon hovers over the old, unpleasant, scary place as I step on the wooden steps they feel as they moving under my feet pulling me away. I force my hand and I hold the cold door handle my hands are shaking as I open the door. Fear floods through my face.
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We liked the good use of adjectives like rusty, cracked, moldy.
I really like the way you have captured the characters feelings eg ‘fear floods through my face’.
Awesome Personification ‘the sound of the wind screaming through the surrounding trees’ and ‘the mist swallows my feet’.
I like the way you have covered the sense, sounds, sight, touch, eg ‘I force my hand and I hold the cold door handle.
Well done!!
I really get a picture in my head of what is going on like when you said ‘the moon hovers over over the old, unpleasant, scary place.
I like the fact that it is short but says so much. Great choice of words
Excellent nouns eg. ‘rusty gates’, grave stones’ and
I like your use of abstract nouns eg. ‘fear’, ‘scary’ and ‘hovers’.
By Ruby and Claudia
I love your use of language resources, similes and metaphors
eg “ mist swallows my feet ” and “fractured wooden steps”.
Good use of adjectives like “dark green undergrowth” and “cracked moldy gravestones”.
I really like the way you have captured the characters feelings eg “Fear floods through my face.”I like the way you have covered the sense, sounds, sight, touch
eg “I can hear my heart beating” and “they feel as they moving under my feet”.
Well done!
Your story really paints a picture in my head you have described it really well.
I like your use of metaphors like “the mist swallows my feet”.
I like the fact that it is short but says so much. Great choice of words
Excellent nouns.
WELL DONE!!!!!
From Mia :)
Henry this is a dazzling piece of writing covered in gold (great in other words) ‘The house stood there in the early morning light, half obscured by fog,’ is a great starting sentence i really wanted to read on I felt sad when it ended but the ending really printed a picture in my head but it was quite scary, but still fantastic. This short story has a great story line with lots of good words like ‘ trembling’
good description you have lots of talent. good job mia.
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