Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Haunted House - By Ruby
As I tramp slowly towards the damage, my heart thumping. The gargoyles staring me dead in the eye make me feel unsafe and breathless. I take one large step forward as I hear the moreporks and bats making spooky noises. As I keep on walking the moon shines down on this damp and icy cold abandoned house. I get to the old rusted misty door. As the gates shut they make a high pitch creaking noise.Then I proceed to old ancient wooden door. There is a whole heap of mist that comes towards me, suddenly the door flies open no one is there, it is pitch black and very very scary.
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7 comments:
Super writing Ruby. Nice images and sounds created e.g. ‘I hear the moreporks and bats making spooky noises.’
I see that you are stretching you vocabulary
‘damp and icy cold abandoned house’
WELL DONE
Ruby, this is a really good piece of writing. I really like the way you use the senses to make your writing better e.g. ‘My heart thumping,’ and ‘hear the moreporks making spooky noises.’ I also like the verbs that make it more unique, e.g. ‘proceed.’ I think it is a really good piece of writing and I want to read more.
Awesome work,
Grayden & Tom
Well done Ruby! This is a fantastic piece of writing! I love your use of descriptive language; unsafe, breathless, damp, pitch black. I really like the sentence’ The gargoyles staring me dead in the eye make me feel unsafe and breathless’. Some of it doesn’t make sense, some of it is in present tense and some is in past tense but it is still very good
Lucy and Jessica
Superb writing Ruby. This story is full with amazing description like ‘the moon shines down on this damp and icy cold abandoned house’. The love the way that you build up suspense and then leave the reader with their imagination to run wild. When you wrote ‘as I tramped slowly towards the damaged gate’ I could paint a very vivid picture in my mind and could smell the fear. Also when you say ‘then I proceed to old ancient wooden door’ it makes this story feel old and intense.
A very lovely and intense story Ruby.
Verity & Maddy.
Great use of language resources, similes and metaphors
eg.” My heart thumping” and “ The gargoyles staring me dead in the eye make me feel unsafe and breathless”
Really good use of adjectives like ‘ old ancient wooden door”
I really like the way you have captured the characters feelings like “ They make me feel unsafe and breathless”
I like the way you have covered the sense, sounds, sight, touch in this short story like “ it is pitch black and very very scary”.
Well done
Awesome work Ruby
From Mia and Tessa
It was cool when you said I was very scared. I would not of liked to have been put in that position. I liked it.From Harry Qingstor
Good work Ruby!
I like the line 'the gargoyles staring me dead in the eye' it ads suspense and tension to the story. I also liked the 'icy cold moon' great descriptive language there!
Henry
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