Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fear floods through me By Flossii

As I approach the gloomy abandoned house fear floods though me and I shiver with terror. The moon makes the house glow and that makes me very uncomfortable. There is a slight breeze and the ancient rusty gates squeak in pain as i hobble in. The full moon gives enough light for me too be able to see a grave yard covered in a ghostly white blanket of mist. All my instincts are telling me to turn back and never return but i can’t. There is a light on up by the front of the house but all i can see from it is a closed glass front door as i look more closely i see a broad grim shadow a still as a statue just standing there on the opposite side of the door, my heart begins beating my chest with its powerful thump. My hands are beginning to sweat and i feel a frigid breath down my neck it sends a shiver down my spine, i swivel around. but there is nothing there the worst thing of all when i look back at the door the shadow is completely gone, vanished of the face of the earth I turn my attention to something else slightly higher up i see a roof that looks so pointy, that you could easily slice your thumb open if you were ever to go up there. This house is colossal bigger than i have ever seen, as I look to my right and i see the shadow of whooping great tree overpowering the house it creeps me out and gives me the heeby geebies and thats just the icing on the cake i turn back and bolt down the loose gravel road to safety.

3 comments:

Mr Eames said...

Fantastic writing Flossie.
No mucking around, straight into describing the setting ‘gloomy abandoned house, fear floods though me’
With a great statement of how you are feeling. ‘I shiver with terror.’

This writing really makes the reader want to read on. It is full of suspense ‘I see a broad grim shadow, as still as a statue just standing there on the opposite side of the door’

Well done, I love your writing.

We need to revisit comma use.

Ruby Donnelly said...

Great writing Flossii, you have used very descriptive language like ‘The full moon gives enough light for me too be able to see a grave yard’ and ‘As I approach the gloomy abandoned house fear floods though me and I shiver with terror’.


I really like the metaphor you used ‘covered in a ghostly white blanket of mist’ Flossii you are a very talented writer I like reading all your writing well done!

Ruby

claudia said...

Fear floods through me By Flossii

As I approach the gloomy abandoned house fear floods though me and I shiver with terror. The moon makes the house glow and that makes me very uncomfortable. There is a slight breeze and the ancient rusty gates squeak in pain as i hobble in. The full moon gives enough light for me too be able to see a grave yard covered in a ghostly white blanket of mist. All my instincts are telling me to turn back and never return but i can’t. There is a light on up by the front of the house but all i can see from it is a closed glass front door as i look more closely i see a broad grim shadow a still as a statue just standing there on the opposite side of the door, my heart begins beating my chest with its powerful thump. My hands are beginning to sweat and i feel a frigid breath down my neck it sends a shiver down my spine, i swivel around. but there is nothing there the worst thing of all when i look back at the door the shadow is completely gone, vanished of the face of the earth I turn my attention to something else slightly higher up i see a roof that looks so pointy, that you could easily slice your thumb open if you were ever to go up there. This house is colossal bigger than i have ever seen, as I look to my right and i see the shadow of whooping great tree overpowering the house it creeps me out and gives me the heeby geebies and thats just the icing on the cake i turn back and bolt down the loose gravel road to safety.

COMMENT
You have fabulous use of language resources, similes and metaphors and description
eg. ‘ghostly white blanket’, ‘gloomy’ and ‘ancient rusty gates’.
I really like the way you have captured the characters feelings eg ‘uncomfortable’ , ‘heeby geebies’ and ‘instincts’.
Well done
I like the fact that it is short but says so much. Great choice of words

Excellent nouns.

WELL DONE FLOSSII!!!!