Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Verity's Story Granny's Grave.

I froze at the entrance of the abandoned house. I could feel the mist ooze round my feet as they tightened and pulled me towards my Granny’s grave. It was like I was getting sucked into a tornado. “Emma“ .I snapped round and looked at a figure poised in the door of the house. The light flickered on and off. She made me fixated on her. I blinked and she disappeared. I gradually looked up the house and noticed that the moon was making the house glow. This house was freaking me out now. My Granny’s grave was right next to the steps of the house. I tried to walk over to the grave but I was getting pulled up towards the door of the house. I tossed the now dead rose’s to the cracked grave. I was standing deathlike at the door of the house, unable to move any muscle in my body. My arm was getting forced to ring the door bell. I was trying with every possible muscle in my body to not ring that doorbell. My strength grew weak and I could no longer fight the demon inside me. I could feel fear trickle down my forehead then I began to cry. That single drop of tear plodded down onto the squeaky floorboards then my body flung backwards and a green spirit emerged out of my fear struck body and dashed into the house. I fell on the ground in shock. All of a sudden a little girl emerged out of the house and ran up to me. She leaped into my arms. That's when I realized that my daughter was still alive.

5 comments:

Sergio said...

I liked your story, it was very good, it had description in it, but the right amount. I liked your use of words, also the green spirit coming out of you.

Thanks for the awesome story.
Sergio.

Bubbles xoxoxoxox said...

Great piece of writing Verity, very detailed. But it doesn't really set the scene. I love the word “ooze” it really gives a punch to the sentence. I thought that it was a great story line but I was a slight bit scared even in broad daylight. I think that you could have described the emotions of your daughter a bit better. You had a great use of wow words eg. Poised and freaky. I love how you described being sucked in like a tornado.

Mr Eames said...

Great start and effective words ‘I froze at the entrance of the abandoned house’
Excellent similes ‘like I was getting sucked into a tornado’

I really like the line
‘I could feel fear trickle down my forehead then I began to cry.’
Lots of emotion.

Your writing is rapidly improving!

Lucy said...

Verity this is such a good piece of writing. I was held captive by your words untill the very end. You had so much beautiful descriptive languge like flung, plodded. The sentence at the end (. That's when I realized that my daughter was still alive. ) made you wonder what was had happened and left me thinking about the story line.

Fantastic story

Lucy and Jessica

Henry said...

Great story Verity!
The suspense is truly amazing! I epically liked the line when the figure is standing under the flickering light, and disappeared - creepy!

I also noticed that you used the word 'poised' (from Oscar's writing too). You may have picked it up from Oscar's - maybe not. Anyway, good writing.

Henry