I creep through the deserted forest. My feet freeze as I look up to see the mist cover up a cold damp house that stands strong before me. I feel a certain breeze coming from nowhere. This cold breeze turned into a firm ghastly wind, blowing me over and picking me up! I am weak... I am scared out of my head. My finger tips turn into dust, my long fair hair is deeply tied round my aching arms and legs, my hair is firmly rapped round my mouth to keep me from screaming. I was lonely for years and forever trapped. All that I could move was my eyes as they glanced from side to side, watching little innocent boys and girls just like me being dragged into their sudden death.
My eye sight is the only sense I have left. I grew older and my eyes played tricks on me. I see things that give me horrible thoughts, I miss my family, I want to go home, even though I know they are well gone on this planet. My skin is gray, I can’t imagine how many decades have pasted. One fine morning the mist had disappeared and the house released my soul! I was free with the wind! I had left this world, I couldn’t believe it “FREE!!!!” I shouted to the world! I was in my happy place, fulfilled once again!
4 comments:
Awesome original writing. You have approached this writing from your own angle.
Excellent word choices.
You will need to sort out the tense. The tense changes at times, from present to past.
‘Wow’ that is one amazing piece of writing, and maybe even your best. I love your use of great language like: My fingertips turn into dust’ it really gives a punch into the story it really starts the ball rolling. This is such a unique piece, the story line really draws people in. It is so different to everyone’s I have read, and defiantly in a good way. ‘My finger tips turn into dust, my long fair hair is deeply tied round my aching arms and legs, my hair is firmly rapped round my mouth to keep me from screaming. I was lonely for years and forever trapped’ is a phenomenal paragraph which has a great choice of words, this is the main part in the story so it should be at a high school level, which it is. Fantastic work, I have so much more to say but it would take far too long for me to accepted this incredible piece of writing! Great work Maddy.
Well done Maddy, this is a awesome story. I like the way you have touched our feelings and made Ruby jump out of her skin when she heard that the person was trapped and tied up in her hair. You used great description like ‘little innocent boys and girls just like me being dragged into their sudden death’ and ‘my eye sight is the only sense I have left’ Ruby and Claudia were highly impressed with this story
WELL DONE MADDY!
Awesome writing Maddy!!!
It's full of suspense and had me wanting to read on from the first paragraph! You used great descriptive language and similes e.g. creep, freeze, ghastly, etc
You're an amazing writer and I think this style of writing really suits you.
Jessica
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