As I strolled toward the house, the mist engulfed me, all I could hear was the slow and rhythmic creaking of the rusty gate...Slowly but surely the mist faded away, I walked inside the gates, which suddenly closed behind me. My heart racing, I slowly make my way to the door, stopping to read a grave stone R.I.P Porky the hamster “weird”, I muttered to myself.
I continued down the road, bathed in the moonlight for some seconds...The old leafless trees sway steadily with the breeze. I approached the door, my hand reaches slowly for the handle, I open the door and walk inside...I can barely see, apart from a small flickering light coming from upstairs. I gather my courage and creep towards the staircase, the wood creaking underneath my feet.
I reach the stairs, step after step, suddenly a part of the staircase breaks from underneath me to uncover a gaping black hole, “Damn!” I whisper under my breath, looking up to the light to see if whoever up there heard me, luckily, and very strangely no-one did, “maybe there’s no-one up there..” I muttered. I continue my journey to the top of the stairs, trying desperately not to make the stairs creak under my weight.
I finally make It to the top, it seems like 20 years has passed, I slowly walk into the room, and then it hits me, bamn! A tennis ball in the face, I hold my nose in pain, while I look up and see him for the first time, his hood is on, and he has no face, just a gaping hole...and the next thing I see is blackness.
8 comments:
Great writing Sergio! You used amazing descriptive language e.g. strolled, engulfed, bathed. You used metaphors and similes e.g. “My Heart Racing” which really improved your writing. Great suspense, you had me wanting to read more from the first sentence. I loved the first and last paragraphs, i also liked words such as Approached and Gaping...
SCARY!!!
Love
Jessica
I thought it was great how you made it funny, such as when you were hit in the face by a tennis ball. The story was great. The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs were the best because they were the most exiting and interesting. Well, done
David
I really like your language the humor was great it made it more enjoyable it hooked me straight away. Heaps of detail it made me think I was in the story. Well, done Sergio = ^ )
Harry
This is a really good piece of writing. I like how you said “ The Mist Engulfed Me”. The sense of humor was good. I liked your first paragraph because it set the scene nicely- Who, what, when, where, why. You had just the right amount of descriptive language - leafless, journey and gaping. I was wondering why you were going in the house in the first place! You were scared but you kept going...
Lucy :)
Good story Sergio maybe a bit over descriptive. But I do like your sense of humor for example the tennis ball and porky the hamster. Despite what I said about describing stuff to much I really liked the description of the gaping hole of a face. over all a great story Well done
Mackenzie
Well done Sergio your story is very good and humourous and had good description, such as ‘It seems like 20 years have past’ but I think it didn’t set the scene as much as I thought. Also you described how scary the house was, it was so vivid we thought we were there. Good job.
Harry and Jamie
This story is well constructed because it had that spookiness but also had well placed jokes that gave it a very unique style. I also liked your time description e.g I finally made it to the top , it seems 20 years has passed.
great work Sergio
Oscar
Excellent Sergio, super writing and thanks for all your help getting everyone writing on line!
Your writing set the scene right from the beginning ‘the mist engulfed me’.
Fantastic descriptions and word use.
A nice little bit of Sergio humour in there.
I like the way you said ‘20 years have passed’ It really helps the reader think about how it feels. I also like the humor like ‘stopping to read a grave stone R.I.P Porky the hamster “weird”, I muttered to myself.’ and ‘bamn! A tennis ball in the face’ the humor seems to lighten it a bit. Well done Sergio.
From Thomas
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